The Emotional intelligence of a truth is a herculean task but once mastered you can be considered some type of a demi-god or Calypso the goddess. For me, there are things I just grew into naturally…like an underplayed but firmly rooted confidence, an impeccable intuition, and self-control.
Well, a little embellishment here and there and voila!!! I have grown so much in control of my emotions, I am young but knowing what I know and the things I have seen… well, I wasn’t given much of a choice. People say experience is the best teacher, I say experience is the worst teacher!
Then a brilliant man said to me ” maybe the saying is right but does it have to be YOUR personal experience? In a world full of people?” hmmmm words that are still so fresh in my 13 years old brain. And so I did learn and I did grow up real good. Nothing flattered me anymore if you were trying to impress me? You might as well sign up for an eternity….. Too harsh?? Lol… but I had become this person that even I was scared of….whenever I stood before a standing mirror.
Sometimes it feels so good and the other times?… I just feel lost. Nothing and no one could manipulate me anymore. It had taken just one encounter to bring all these to play. After all, it is easier being my true self…. sexy, classy, independent and elusive. you could call me “mistress material”, I know I don’t ever play second fiddle but if what we have around town qualifies as the definition of “wife material”? Then am not sure I am that either.
Maybe a little fusion of Helen of Troy, Anne Bolyne of England and Cleopatra of Egypt. Hahahaha…well, Exactly the type they love to chase and never gets tired of, because of the fun and thrill?? Maybe…. Or holding on to the hope of a sudden awakening. They all had one thing in common, though…. they would always settle for “ok Maggie can we at least be just friends”?
This was always perfect for me and in a short number of years I have acquired quite a number of handy friends. Well, this baby girl was made for the alphas. There are only a few out there but I was going to wait it out.
So how on earth did this puppy get here??? I laid back on the couch and quietly I observed as he sat there, across the table from me trying so hard to keep a steady gaze; I savored the fact that he worshiped me the way he admires my guts and smartness I think is a little exaggerated but it felt good.
He opened his mouth in a failed attempt to utter something I figured was my name, his hands were shaking now….I sat up…reached out and touched his palms, they were wet. He was trying so hard to keep back the tears. I always thought we have come a long way and so he should have been used to my kind…. But no he wasn’t! What have I done? Why did I let him in? why did I give him access???
I had let my guard down, I had let myself feel things I shouldn’t have felt. Yes, I hated feeling helpless but watching him suffer was even greater torture. If only he knew….. I have tried… in all honesty, I have…I just couldn’t, it only made matters worse…I wasn’t wired to be the “regular girl”.
A regular, quiet, feely-touchy girl. So why was he still standing there? I see the way he looks at me when he thinks I am not watching…. The fire in his eyes….the hunger in his soul…..the hot burning desire… We had been caught up in a moment once…. It felt good…. Too good I don’t want to think about it but he was young and emotional.
And if you are emotional…. You are vulnerable. But here we were, having the exact conversation I had soo desperately tried to avoid. Again he said, ” Maggie do you keep me around because of the things I do for you”? Well, I should have been upset but I expected the question.
Only what he doesn’t know was…… nothing pleased me anymore, no matter how good or how much. What he doesn’t know is I truly like him… I do cherish his friendship, his company, and yes I am selfish on this because this is truly what I don’t want to lose……some honesty and realness amidst all the hype and fakeness this lifestyle had brought me.
For the first time, I had been the one who offered friendship in and out of business, he had looked at me with a solemn look and said, “I don’t want to be in your list of friends Maggie, not even the very first day I met you”.
I had smiled and thought he would get over his whining but it turns out I don’t always get my wishes. Yes he has put in so much during the course of our relationship both in and out of business and hence the high expectation, and I must say….this was where the turn off began…….
And the sudden realization, the dreaded and sacred feeling for the first time of losing something precious. I wasn’t in love and so I couldn’t raise a white flag. I am lost…. I know I am….this is truly why I don’t want to let go but I have to before I turn him to a bigger narcissist.
I see them and recognize them all good…the demons lurking behind his eyes, he had it in him…the anger, the rage…..why should I be the one to bring it all out….. But no….I am the evil twin and I wasn’t ready to let go…. not just yet……..